


Crimson Tears

by Karinakamichi



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 17:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11742216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karinakamichi/pseuds/Karinakamichi
Summary: Despite Kukaku's reassurance, she still blamed herself for Kaien's death. No matter what Renji had told her, she didn't want to be a burden to her friends. And even though Byakuya had said he was sorry, she knew she wasn't worthy of the Kuchiki name, feeling as distant as ever, if not more. To make matters worse, she had a terrible secret that she didn't want anybody to know. Self-harm. Eventual light RenRuki.





	1. Chapter 1

**_Chapter 1_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach._ **

**MAY _BE SEEM SLIGHT AU, but, overall, it's about right, I think. You'll just have to improvise and use imagination if you wonder when this is supposed to have happened._**

**_By the way, this will be a slow build and will eventually contain some light RenRuki(nothing explicit though, just saying). But, in relation to Ichigo, it may end up as IshidaxOrihime or IchigoxOrihime, depending on what people want. (Personally, I ship them both, but I sort of like Ishihime better, because you can see just how much Ishida cares about Orihime, and just how well Orihime can read Uryuu at times. Not to mention Orihime brings out a really sweet side of Uryuu that I absolutely adore. But I guess the choice is the fans', and what they want. Though I may still yet go with Ishihime, but I'd still like to hear your opinions.)_ **

* * *

Rukia sat in the bathroom of Ichigo's house. Lately, dark thoughts had been returning, no matter how much she tried to reassure herself. Despite Kukaku's reassurance, she still blamed herself for Kaien's death. No matter what Renji had told her, she didn't want to be a burden to her friends, as she couldn't bring herself to drag them down with stupid feelings. And even though Byakuya had said he was sorry, she knew she wasn't worthy of the Kuchiki name, feeling just as distant as ever, if not more so. She had been dealing with dark thoughts and terrible nightmares for a while now, was constantly restless, and her feelings wouldn't go away. To make matters worse, she had a terrible secret that she didn't want anybody to know.

Unknown to anybody, self-inflicted cuts littered both of her arms, from elbow to wrist. Anymore, she had been pulling away from Ichigo and the others, much to the obvious irritation of Ichigo and even more obvious concern of Orihime, Renji, and her captain. While Byakuya seemed to have possibly noticed something off about her, he hadn't once questioned it. Perhaps he felt he didn't have a right to after revealing such a truth to Rukia. Not that Byakuya had never seemed that emotional and empathetic to her to begin with. (It's ironic that he's truthfully such a hothead down deep. xD;;)

Not a single person had questioned why she had been insisting on constantly wearing long sleeves, though she doubted many would notice such a tiny detail unless they had the same problem she did. Still, she was glad they hadn't seemed to notice that because it was best that way. She didn't need them finding out the truth, because it would unnecessarily worry them. And that wasn't a reality she wanted to be faced with right now. Though, knowing Ichigo and Renji they would probably be pissed to say the least and Byakuya would probably be disappointed in her more than he ever had been before. But this was her coping mechanism, something she didn't want to be taken away from her right now. So the only option she had was to hide it, since it was so addictive at this point.

Bringing the razor blade to the once pure and clean skin of her arm, which she had leaning over the bathtub, she bit her lip at the sharp sting it caused when she dug the blade into her flesh. Soon, however, the feeling of pain was replaced by relief and satisfaction as crimson oozed out of the cut, trailing down her arm and dripping into the tub to mix in with the water already in it. Knowing that the blood by itself would have likely stained the white surface otherwise, she had already had a bit of water in to begin with keep the crimson from doing just that - that way nobody would know.

In her mind, the fallen blood was a symbol of her pain. One could say it "matched the outside to the inside", and while part of her knew she was cowardly for resorting to such a means of emotional release, it was the only thing she could comprehend; the only way she could distract herself anymore. In a way, watching the blood pouring out of her wounds replaced the tears she could never get out and would never fall. But with that thought in mind, it made her more frustrated, because she hated that couldn't she shed tears when she needed to. Instead they just bottled up, along with her anger, frustrations, anxiety and depression. So very rarely was she able to cry of her own volition, though, when she did, it was only because she had been holding things back for too long, even though she didn't think she wanted to hold it back. No, wait, she must have wanted to if it was causing this much pain, so in some way it must her own unknown pride causing it. It was her fault she was like this, but truthfully, she hadn't asked for it.

Unlike Renji, Tatsuki and even Ichigo, who seemed more blunt with their feelings, she was more like Byakuya and maybe even Orihime in how they internalized their pain and true feelings and held back from expressing their true self at times. She was good at dealing with other people's emotions perhaps, but not her own emotions in any way, shape or form, unless she was just too good at it to the point of locking them and her heart away. In other words, she was just running away from them? It wouldn't be the first time she had done it. In fact, that was something she hated about herself the most. She envied some of the others for their abilities to be so honest with themselves. Meanwhile, she was constantly running away, like a coward, because she was too afraid to be decisive. Just like back then. If she had went against Ukitake's words back then, Kaien might have hated her, but at least he'd still be alive, even if  _she wasn't, right?_

Swallowing, she felt a lump in her throat from holding back her tears. It was painful, felt swollen and sore, but, no matter what, the tears  _just_   _couldn't fall_. She felt her anger rising, and yet somehow feeling numb at the same time, when she began slashing at her skin faster than before, more than ever,  _just to watch the blood dripping into the bathtub._  At this point, she wasn't really thinking about what she was doing. All she knew was that she was angry at herself, and at the world, and so frustrated with everything. But it was better than taking it out on somebody else and getting them involved with her own personal and petty problems, especially since she knew it was all her fault anyway. It was her fault Ichigo's life had been thrown into turmoil and that he was constantly fighting hollows even though he should be enjoying life as a normal teen should be doing. It was her fault for being too damn weak to defeat the hollow back when she met Ichigo. It was her fault that Renji had stayed in the Rukongai district for so long, instead of honing his strength to get something far better out of life; she had held him back for  _so many years_. She didn't want to get ahead of herself, but she didn't doubt that he might have even become a captain by now, if she hadn't met him. It was her who surely reminded Byakuya of Hisana every single day by just looking like her. Despite his cold aura, she could see the pain hidden in his eyes; she could see just how much hurt she had caused him. And even if indirectly, it was also her fault that Orihime and Chad had got caught up in her world, and that Uryu had lost his powers as a Quincy.

She brought those around her nothing but misfortune, just by being around. Not to mention the pain she had caused Ganju and Kukaku by killing Kaien.

So she could never forgive herself. Should she even be here? She had been sent back to the world of the living for more hollow business, but perhaps she could stay at Urahara's instead. It would probably be better for Ichigo if she was involved with him and even his sisters as little as possible, right?

"Hey, Rukia? You gonna be out soon?" Ichigo's voice suddenly called out in question, from outside the door, startling Rukia as she heard him twisting the door knob to see if it was locked.

"Y-yeah!" Rukia squeaked, her heart skipping a beat, as she suddenly jerked the razor a bit to deep into her skin. But, assuming it probably wasn't deep enough to cause her to pass out, she didn't let the blood bother her.

"Dammit,  _thanks_ , _Ichigo..._ " she hissed mockingly beneath her breath, her heartbeat erratic, hoping she didn't hear him. She immediately felt a bit of irrational and unprecedented irritation at the orange haired teen bubble up in her system.

"Knock instead of messing with the doorknob next time, you  _dolt_! I'll be out in a  _minute, so don't rush me_!" She growled at him, with unintentional hostility, as she used her hand that was holding the razor blade to reach over and unplug the bathtub and allow the blood-tinted water to drain out of the tub.

"Geez, I wasn't rushing you, so don't have to be so hostile! What's with you practically biting my head off lately?!" Ichigo retorted, obviously offended by her tone.

"...It's... nothing." Rukia then said after a minute, trying to regain her composure. "I'm just been going through a lot right now is all, Ichigo."

" _I'll_  say..." she heard Ichigo muttered irritably from the other side of the door.

"... _I said sorry_. Anyway, is there something you wanted to tell me?" Rukia brought herself to ask, trying to be as nice as possible, knowing that it was her with the problem and not Ichigo.

Ichigo sighed, not bothering to point out that he could have had to use the bathroom that she was hogging up, but answered her question. "Yeah, I know it's a little early, but I think I'm gonna head on to school. I was wondering if you wanted to come on, or are you gonna wait a little longer?"

"...I'll probably be out in about five minutes." Rukia told him, using some toilet paper to wipe of her arm as much as possible, hastening to get her most recently injured arm wrapped up with bandages, before slipping on her grey long sleeve high school uniform jacket(or whatever that thing is called) to cover up her arms. She ignored her trembling arms and body, even though she felt a little unsteady on her legs. She hadn't really eaten much lately, so that was probably partially having an effect on her, on top of all the blood she a had just lost and was still losing to a degree. Cutting herself enough always caused her arms to feel shaky and weak afterward, so it wasn't like it was much different than any other time, though she might have cut a bit too much, but she couldn't focus on that right now. "If you don't wanna wait, you can go ahead and I'll catch up with you in a little while."

"...Well, if it's only five minutes, I guess I'll wait then." Ichigo said after a minute. Was that a hint of worry in his voice she had just heard?

No, there was no way he had noticed anything, right? At least she hoped not.

...

"Hey, Rukia..." Ichigo muttered, stopping to look back at Rukia, who was looking down at the sidewalk. She then responded to him gazing up at him to meet his gaze.

"What is it?" She asked.

"Are you... feeling alright?" He wanted to know, scrutinizing her. It was clear this time that he was worried.

"Yeah, why do you ask?" Rukia tried to act like everything was okay, and needless to say Rukia wasn't that bad of an actor, so she felt this would probably be easy to get out of, since Ichigo was pretty dense at times.

"Just wondering... You've been really quiet lately, and don't really talk to the others much anymore." Ichigo scratched the back of his head. He had never been that great at being sentimental, but for his friend, he would sure as hell, since nobody else was around. "Orihime and Karin has mentioned it to me as well. They're worried for you."

"Well I'm completely fine, Ichigo, so I'll probably have to clear that up with them. But, wow, how nice of you to be concerned for me, Ichigo. I had no clue you cared so much." Rukia smirked, obviously trying to mock him.

"Sh-shut up!" Ichigo retorted, feigning a glare. He didn't buy Rukia's words at all, and clearly remembered her saying she was going through a lot just about 15 minutes ago, but he decided he would trust Rukia and her decision, so left it at that. After all, she was one of the strongest people he knew. However, he wasn't done. And, apparently, Rukia wasn't as great of an actor as she thought she was, though she was a bit too nervous and jittery right now.

"Look," he sighed. "I'm not a mind reader, not to mention I suck at comforting people or knowing what to say to make others feel better a lot of times, but I'm not the type to just stand by and act like I don't notice when somebody is suffering either. This is the way I see it. You and I are friends and friendship is a mutual thing, so friends are supposed to share each other's pain to some degree, right?"

Ichigo looked at her with an awkward expression. "So even though I'll probably never be able to understand  _exactly_  what you're feeling, I'll always be here to at least listen when you decide to open up to me, kay? Because I care about you just like everybody else does."

Rukia's eyes were wide, and she just stood there for a moment. That's when she recalled something.

 _"Kuchiki-san, just remember that you always have people that you can lean on when you need somebody the most, even if you don't think you need them. Cause that's what friends are for,"_  Urahara had once told her,  _"and it's not just Ichigo, either. You also have Inoue-san, Abarai-san, your captain, Matsumoto-san, Sado-san, Yoruichi, and even your brother and me. You might even be surprised how understanding Ishida-kun can be times too. So you're never alone."_

_Why does it hurt so bad...?_

"...Thanks, Ichigo." Rukia gave a soft and pain filled smile.

"No problem. Now let's get to school, yeah...?" Ichigo smiled back, before turning back around.

"Yeah..." She wished more than anything she could rely on them, but the truth was... she had already betrayed them by taking it out on herself instead of trusting them. They would never forgive her if they knew. As she had considered before, Renji would be so angry if he found out what she had been doing to herself, and even Uryu, who didn't even have much connection with her aside technically from being Ichigo's friend, would probably be shocked, though most likely disgusted. And, again, her brother would be so disappointed in her for being so damn weak. After everything everybody had done for her... Hadn't she basically just been throwing it back in their face, by tearing up the person they had faught so much to save? Even though it wasn't like she had asked to be saved, she still...

She couldn't deal with the thought of it at all and began to hate herself even more.

_"I'm sorry, Ichigo,..._ _I just can't rely on you or anybody. This is my battle, and one I must face alone."_

_\- Chapter end._

* * *

_**A/N: I hope it's okay so far. This is something I've been wanting to write for a while, but I couldn't bring myself to get around to it, until just now. And you'll have to forgive me. It's been a while since I've written for Bleach, so it may seem slightly out of character at points. Not to mention Rukia isn't probably the type that would resort to self-harm, but there isn't enough stories that focus on Rukia self-harming, minus some of the Ichiruki stories out there. So I wanted to do something a little different, that develops Byakuya's relationship with Rukia and that develops something with Renji and Renji. So far, there is no self-harm story with RenRuki that I know of, so, like I said, I wrote this. Though I was also kinda venting to, so... Hope you guys will stick with me through this. Please review if you will?... =w=** _


	2. Chapter 2

_**Story: Crimson Tears, Chapter 2** _   
_**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.** _

_**(I hope this is okay. As I may have said(I can't remember if I did or not), it's been a while since I've written for Bleach, so the characters may be a little OOC... And Uryu is VERY hard for me to write, so it's not perfect, but I tried my best. He is the son of a doctor(even if that doctor isn't a psychologist), so I figured he would have some experience with this kind of thing. But also, down deep, Uryu does have a kind side to him. I know he says he hates soul reapers, but I don't think he truly hates them all, and I feel like there are some he could get along with. Plus, he did go out of his way to make Rukia a really nice dress, so Rukia is one I think, down deep, he sees as a friend, even if he's tsundere about it.** _

* * *

"Kuchiki-san, aren't you going to eat?" Somebody asked, snapping Rukia out of the trance she appeared to be in. Gazing up, the raven haired soul reaper saw that it was Orihime who had asked the question. Ichigo was apparently off somewhere on the school grounds with Keigo. Mizuiro was oddly out sick, and Chizuru hadn't came to school either.

"Ah, no, I'm not really that hungry right now." Rukia smiled softly, waving her off dismissively. "I'll eat something later."

The truth was, anymore, she couldn't bring herself to eat much of anything, because it just made her sick and nauseated to. She didn't know why, though, and was no expert on the subject, so she didn't bother trying to figure it out, assuming it was nothing but a simple result of high anxiety.

"I see. Well, if you say so...!" Orihime said, uncertainly, before leaving it at that. "...Um, hey, if something is ever bothering you, just know that I'm always here to listen, Kuchiki-san."

As she said, Orihime gave a small and kind smile, receiving a nod and a thanks from Rukia.

"I understand if you don't want to talk about stuff... But sometimes it helps, you know? Even if you don't think so."

Rukia didn't know how to reply to that. Soon, after a bit of conversation about food on Orihime's behalf, Rukia had got up, excusing herself to the restroom.

...

_"What's wrong with her? She looks like she's about to pass out..."_

_"Maybe she's sick?"_

_"Let's hope it's nothing contagious."_

Whispers had filled the classroom, as students looked at Rukia, who seemed to be nodding off. One could tell, just by looking at her that she wasn't feeling well at all. The teacher had left the room to get some paperwork, so the class was free to talk for the time being.

"Kuchiki-san, are you feeling okay? You look kind of pale." Tatsuki noted, catching Orihime and Rukia's attention.

"I do?" Rukia looked up at her. Truthfully, she was feeling extremely lightheaded, and knew the most likely reason, but she couldn't let them know that. So she played it off, going along with them to feign innocence. "I guess I  _am_  feeling a little sick..."

"Maybe you should go to the infirmary. I can walk with you if you want." offered Tatsuki.

"Ah, no, you don't have to go out of your way to do that, really! I'll go by myself." Rukia told her, standing up and smiling slightly. She didn't want anybody following her.

"...Are you sure?" Tatsuki asked with uncertainty.

"Yes, I'll be fine. Thank you." Rukia told her, bowing, before leaving the room.

Tatsuki noticed that Orihime hadn't said anything for a while now, so she grew a bit worried. "Orihime?"

"Huh? Ah, sorry, Tatsuki! I know, that's just Kuchiki-san being Kuchiki-san! Really, I shouldn't worry so much. Stupid stupid me, am I...right...? Ha-ha-ha-ha..." Tears were threatening to fall from Orihime's eyes.

"Hey, I was about to ask if you were okay..." Tatsuki said softly. "Man, you're really worried about her, aren't you...?"

"...Yeah, she's so important to me, Tatsuki... To  _everyone_. But... it kind of seems like she doesn't want to be around us anymore..."

"You really think that...? She wouldn't-"

"No, of course I don't think that. She's our friend, so I know she wouldn't want to hurt us, but maybe there's some reason she's been distancing herself lately..."

_I wonder if something has happened between her and the Soul Society again...?_

Orihime desperately wanted to know what had caused her friend to distance herself so much lately and behave so oddly. What was causing her to push them all away? She couldn't help but worry for Rukia, but felt there wasn't much she could do. Ichigo or Renji had a better chance of helping Rukia. Still, maybe she could do something nice for her to at least reach out to Rukia in some way or another, right?

What could she do to help?

As of late, because of Rukia's distance, she didn't even know where to start and felt extremely conflicted.

But that's when she got an idea.

...

Little did Rukia know that Uryu had been watching her, and followed her down the hall.

"Kuchiki-san..." he finally called out to her in an area he felt nobody was listening in.

Rukia stopped, slightly startled. glancing behind her and turning to face him. "Oh, Ishida-san. Do you need something?"

"Yes, I want to ask you something. I'm not the type to sugarcoat things or beat around the bush, so I'm going to be direct with you, because I know you're stubborn like Ichigo and are not the type to just open up to others. Perhaps Ichigo and Orihime would probably just tell you that you could rely on them if you need to talk to somebody and leave it at that because they want to respect your boundaries," Uryu told her, pushing up his glasses. Rukia's eyes widened, her heart skipping a beat, as panic set in. She didn't like where this was headed. There was no way he could know, right?

Uryu continued, "but I'm the son of a doctor, not to mention I have a bit of experience myself with that specific subject, so I tend to pick up on things that nobody else thinks to pay attention to." Uryu said, almost as if reading the question on her mind. "I saw the bandages, and I know you haven't been eating at all. What I want to know is  _why_."

Rukia swallowed, clinching the fabric of her skirt nervously, knowing that there was no way to deny what he had said. Uryu wasn't ignorant, and would most definitely see right through any act she tried to put up at this point. It was ironic that she had been cornered by a Quincy; and she was surprised that he seemed to be showing concern for her. "Wow, I didn't know that it was in a Quincy's interests to interfere with other people's affairs, and it's certainly not like you to worry for a  _Soul Reaper, no?_ " Rukia inquired, obviously trying to get some kind of rise out of him. However, Uryu didn't even flinch.

"I don't recall saying I was worried." Uryu told her softly. "I simply don't like to watch innocent people like Inoue-san worrying so much. So I want an answer. What could be worth  _the pain she and all the others are feeling right now due to you pushing them away_?"

Rukia was silent for a moment, looking away, unable to face him. " _Nothing_."

"Nothing?" Uryu repeated in question, before stepping forward and reaching out to grab her arm. "That's a lie, and you know it."

That wasn't what Rukia had expected him to say at the slightest. Instead, she had expected him to scold her by saying that nothing was worth it, that what she was doing was wrong. "What do you mean? I've been hurting them for no reason."

"If that were true - If it really was for 'no reason', your arms wouldn't have cuts and bandages covering them right now and you wouldn't be feeling like you were going to pass out. Not to mention... you wouldn't be  _running away_. But for some reason, you feel alone, despite the lengths everybody went to save your life."

"You're right, but, look, it is not even something I could explain if I wanted to."

"That's where you're wrong. It's because you decide to avoid putting a name to your feelings and pain by cutting yourself instead." Uryu didn't hesitate to say, taking Rukia aback with how spot-on the analysis was. If she didn't know he had experience in the medical field, she'd assume he had done it himself and was able to relate. "You want to have control over something because you feel everything else in your life is unattainable right now. You're in emotional pain, so you create another bigger pain to pull yourself away from it, am I wrong...?"

"..." Rukia couldn't bring herself to speak. She felt cornered, but faced him, trying to keep up her composure. However, it crumbled before her within an instant, her breathing picking up, as she started to panic. Uryu knew. Somebody  _knew_. This was _bad_. What if word somehow got back to somebody else, like her brother or Renji? She had wanted to keep the truth to herself, nobody was supposed to know. It was her fault they had found out. It was her fault for not hiding it better.  _This wasn't supposed to happen!_

"You... you don't understand anything at all...!" Rukia denied weakly, her voice shaky, as she moved to pull away, but was startled as Uryu suddenly pulled her into an embrace. Her eyes widened as he then spoke in a soft voice.

"You know, even though I never once said I  _was_  concerned, I don't recall said I  _wasn't_  a  _bit_  concerned  _either_. Kuchiki-san, you need to let somebody in, because your scars will only consume you otherwise. You have to trust me, self-harm won't just go away on its own, but I'm sure you already know that down deep. I'll always be here to listen to you as a friend, even if I don't support you as Soul Reaper."

It took a moment for Rukia to register that Uryu had just acknowledged her as a person. She didn't know what to say, and was shocked that Uryu had just called her his friend. Still, she decided to try to be sarcastic. "So we're  _'friends'_ now...?"

"Even so," Uryu decidedly ignored her sarcasm, knowing her goal was to distract him. "somebody needs to know about this soon, because you seriously need help..."

Rukia couldn't deny it. Cutting was all she thought about at times, but there was no way she could just abandon the habit right away. It was something she relied on. So she decided to throw Uryu an offer in hopes that he would leave her be for the time being. "...If I tell you why I'm doing it... will you give me some time to think about it?"

Uryu was silent for a moment, noticing the desperate look in her eyes. He wanted to tell Ichigo or somebody about this. And, while he  _really_  didn't want to associate himself with soul reapers, what could he do, since Rukia wasn't a resident of Karakura town, and, in fact, might as well be from a different world altogether? Rukia's brother would be a good one to tell, or maybe Rukia's captain, perhaps even the red-haired soul reaper, Renji Abarai. But how would they react? Could he really bring himself to do such a thing and face such people?

 _No_ , he  _would do it without hesitation_. Because, even if they were soul reapers, they were basically her family from what he understood. They had a  _right_  to know, more than _anybody else_ , and were pretty much  _entitled_  to. Not to mention that Rukia was a danger to herself, so it was only right. Maybe Urahara would be able to assist in getting up with them... He highly doubted Rukia would really tell anybody the whole truth, and would probably just trying to delay talking as long as possible, as many self-harmers and anorectics would. So he thought of something, responding to her offer, as he pushed up his glasses once more. "I'll agree to it..., but only on one condition."

...

 _"I'll agree to it..., but only on one condition. If there is any time you feel like hurting yourself, call me, even if you don't want to talk about why you've been doing this._  Also,  _I want you meet up with me at Karakura park later around seven."_

...

"Oh, sure. That's fine, I guess. But can I ask why you two are meeting up at the park? Is there some kind of project you're working on together or something...?" Ichigo inquired skeptically, and confused, but thinking that maybe there was something Rukia hadn't understood on some school work, and  _Uryu_  had offered his help on it. However, Ichigo was pretty sure there was something else going on because it seemed like he himself would be the first person Rukia would go to over something like  _school work_. Before they had came to the Soul Society, Uryu barely knew Rukia and vice versa, so it just seemed a little...  _odd_ , especially since Uryu technically hated Soul Reapers.

"Got a problem, Ichigo?" Rukia asked, giving a small glare, sensing his conflicting feelings. Truthfully, she wasn't all that fond of this idea herself, either, but she had no choice if she didn't want anybody knowing her secret, though she still had doubts that he  _wouldn't_  tell anybody the truth at some point at some point. And, from what she knew of him, it would be just like Uryu to do that out of a concern that he didn't show too often, or was awkward about. Too bad she couldn't just erase his memories.

Ichigo seemed taken aback by the tone, and sighed. "No, I don't. It's just that the last time I checked, you two were never really that..."

Trailing off into a brief silence, he became uncertain whether he should even voice his questions or not, as Rukia didn't exactly look like she was in that great of a mood. She hadn't all day, so maybe it was something important they were meeting up over.

Thinking that, he nervously took back what he had said. "Nevermind, it's nothing! I guess I'll see you later..."

"Yeah. Bye, Ichigo..." She nodded, with a forced content expression, hiding her discomfort and consternation, before turning around and leaving. She felt her her breath picking up, and her stomach was clenching for reasons obviously aside from not having eaten anything for a while. No doubt, she was extremely anxious, unconsciously rubbing at her sleeve, as she thought about her conversation with Uryu today. It was pretty obvious what some of the questions he would want to ask her were, but how would she answer them?

And depending on how she did answer them, how would he respond? Uyuu hadn't seem that angry or anything, but was he just pitying her? What if he got impatient with her, because he felt she was too much to handle.

Actually, the last question, she figured, was pretty easy to answer. Contrary to her previous reflections from earlier that day, maybe it wasn't the part about people leaving her, per say, that scared her. Rather, it was the other way around. While being alone was kind of painful, she was more upset by bonding with people in the first place, because she didn't ever want to get her hopes up. She wanted to distance herself, because she couldn't stand people saying they would always be there, or make promises to her that they might never be able to keep, because those were the people that always ended up being taken away from her, whether it was because of her not. So wouldn't it be better for her and Uryu both if she didn't let him get close enough to her to gain an attachment?

Then again, she doubted he probably cared to get that close having his own negative experiences with attachments and loses. He was probably just helping him because he didn't want to be held responsible. But that was fine with her. She didn't plan to try to cause him any more trouble than he already had.

Even so, despite the fact that the majority of her wanted to push him away just like all the others, and tell Renji or anybody else that tried to get involved or stop her that it was none of their business, that this was her  _own battle_ , but a smaller part of her, she realized, wanted to take this chance, even though it was an experience that would likely only hurt her in the end. Maybe, down deep, she was just a masochist that wanted to suffer. It's not like she didn't deserve it.

...

Uryu sat at the park, waiting for Rukia. He knew he would have to give her some space, but on his honor - if not as a Quincy, then at the very  _least_  as a dignified human being, he  _refused_  to just stand by without doing anything when he knew that there was somebody not only suffering, but tearing their skin to pieces, bleeding out and scarring their body just to bring some relief to the pain they were keeping locked away from everybody else.

He wasn't blind by any means; had known fully well that somebody like Rukia would only continue hurting herself if somebody didn't confront her on the matter, which was why he had approached her. Even if she was a Soul Reaper, down deep, he was sure she would definitely still have the urges to continue even after they had talked about it, so that was why he was so worried about her.

Still, somebody aside from himself, needed to know. But he highly doubted Ichigo would be able to handle such information very well. How would he react? Knowing him, he would probably either get angry at Rukia or pull away, not knowing how to assess the situation, OR become extremely protective over Rukia, paranoid that she was harming herself, as well as feeling guilty, like it was his fault. To be honest, none of those reactions were something a self-harmer needed from somebody they viewed a friend, since it would probably only make the cutter feel worse than ever. Then again, everybody dealt with things differently, but, even so, he would rather be safe than sorry.

Still, the question remained - Who else could he go to about this? There  _was_  Kon, which stayed in the same house as Ichigo and Rukia, but he might not be anymore help to Rukia than Ichigo him, and probably even less, since he could nothing to stop Rukia. Also, Kon could do nothing to stop her in his normal form, so that would only be putting him in a bad position, right? (Plus, it would feel kind of odd and intrusive asking a stuffed lion to watch over Rukia, even though it was actually just a Kaizō Konpaku living inside of the lion.)

Having weighed out his options, the faces of two people dawned on him, and he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of them sooner.

Yoruichi Shihouin and Kisuke Urahara. They were the best choices possible and they would-

His thoughts were cut off when he heard the crinkling of grass beside him. Looking over, he saw Rukia standing next to the bench he was sitting on. She appeared to be apprehensive, clutching her sleeve. Thankfully, there weren't too many people around, so he figured nobody was close enough to listen in on their conversation.

"Ah, you came after all. I was almost afraid that weren't going to make it." He said, almost jokingly, before pushing up his glasses, and scooting over slightly.

"Well, it's not like I really had a choice, you know." Rukia told him, as-a-matter-of-factly, with a certain bitterness at the way he worded his statement.

"You know... I  _am_  sorry about this." he suddenly muttered, glancing away. This caught her attention and suddenly, she felt a little bad for speaking to him like that.

"I imagine this must be hard for you to take such a step, but I'm here to take it with you, if you'll let me. What you're doing to yourself... it isn't healthy, Kuchiki-san... so I want to help you, but only if you'll let me." He gestured for her to sit down beside him. but did as asked, whispering a 'thank you'. She had never really spoke to Uryu, minus a few times on top of today. And now since he knew everything, how was she supposed to act towards him?

"...Ishida-san, why are you doing this for me? You always hated Soul Reapers..." She suddenly asked.

Uryu seemed taken off guard by her question, but answered without hesitance.

"Yes, Soul Reapers are my enemy without a doubt... But let's just say... I was in a similar place to you once. I prefer to leave it at that." For a few seconds silence, Uryu was silent before turning to face her.

"I see..." Rukia mumbled, seeming to understand now.

"...No matter what happened, my Sensei could never hate the Soul Reapers..., so I wanted to discover the reason why. When I went to the Soul Society, I found out who it was that killed him. But I also saw the way he treated his own subordinates and own lieutenant like tools that he could use, or push around and even kill as he pleased. But you... You went against the very laws of the Soul Society and transferred your own powers to a human being in the hopes of helping him save the lives of both him and his family. For that, I respect you as a person, Kuchiki-san. You're not the type that would just let an innocent person die if you could help it, unlike  _them_. Unlike  _the ones that just let my Grandfather die_ , you've showed human compassion towards your friends. You have the ability to care for Inoue-san, Sado-san, Kurosaki and even his sisters. And you... you were willing to die because you felt guilty for their suffering, for getting him involved in everything. In my mind, you weren't as much a Soul Reaper as you were their  _friend_ , and somebody that had done nothing wrong." As he said this, Uryu tightly clutched the knee of his pants, feeling an intense anger towards the people that had caused Rukia so much trouble, even if it was in the past. "Even though I did go there partially to find out the truth about  _him_..., I also refuse to just stand by, while a person is killed for no reason. You deserved to  _live,_ always remember that."

Rukia didn't know what to say after hearing that. It wasn't something she had expect of him either. But something about it made her feel a little better about herself, even though she had her feeling that the good feeling would last long. Was it true? Was what she did really that admirable...? Still... she should have been stronger. But... at least did try to make things right...unlike some people would do in that situation.

Yet, even so, Ichigo had never seemed to be fond of getting involved with the Soul Reaper duties, and Rukia could tell that he just wanted to relax like a normal human being at times, but because of her own desperation at losing the majority of her power and being unable to fight, she was constantly pushing him to fight in her place, to do the things she couldn't do in her current state.

She had made his life hell by getting him involved in all that. So... did Ichigo blame her for-

"...How are you feeling?" Uryu suddenly asked, slightly startling her. He couldn't allow her to her thoughts too much right now with how tense she looked. It would surely only cause her unnecessary worry and stress. So the first goal was to get Rukia to relax a little, even if he had to step a bit out of character, no matter how odd it felt doing so.

"...I'm fine..." Rukia muttered, averting her gaze. A short but uncomfortable silence filled the air after she said the obvious lie.

"...How long has it been going on?" Uryu then asked, figuring she would know what he was referring to. Truthfully, he wasn't quite used to being in the position of asking such things. As much as he hated the man, he was pretty sure his father would have been more suited to figuring out exactly what to do in this situation, but, as far as he was concerned, that was all the more reason why Uryu refused to stand by and do nothing. There was no way he was going to involve Ryuken in this matter. He would,  _no_ ,  _they_  would figure it out  _without_  his help. That, he swore on his honor as both a Quincy and person.

Rukia was silent for a minute, before softly muttering her estimate. "Around three months, I think..."

"Have you ever done it before?"

"Yes, a few times..." Rukia answered after a minute. "But I had thought about it a lot more... Numerous times... And one day, I just kind of snapped..."

"And you've been doing it ever since... I see..." Uryu said, taking in what she was saying. "Kuchiki-san, have you ever thought about talking to somebody about your feelings? There must be somebody that you consider close enough to, right?..."

"No... If Ukitake-taichou knew about this, I'm certain he would tell my brother. And Renji would probably find out too, since he's his lieutenant. Renji sees me as strong and independent; I don't want to let that image down, because he wouldn't understand... And, while he might be mad at first, I feel like it might hurt him more than anybody else, even Ichigo..., so I don't want to put him through that. And Nii-sama has always been so hard for me to talk to, because he's never been good at being honest with his true feelings. It's really frustrating that I can't ever tell what he's truly thinking, even though I know he doesn't intend to be so intimidating. There's always been a huge distance between me and him. Sometimes, his silence is...  _utterly_   _unbearable,_ and I..." Rukia swallowed, looking away and clutching the fabric of her skirt a little too tightly for Uryu's comfort level, as her knuckles were turning whiter. Afraid she might try to dig her nails into her knee or something, he placed his own hand on hers to try to offer some reassurance. Her breath seemed to be picking up.

"Kuchiki-san, calm down and breathe for a moment. Your brother surely wouldn't have taken you in if he hadn't wanted to. You know that, right?" He asked her, placing a hand on her shoulder to get her to face him. But she didn't seem to listen.

Tears suddenly formed in the corners of her eyes, causing them to burn. Why did it have to happen now?! Either way, she couldn't let them to fall no matter what. Over her years as a Soul Reaper, she had been taught that shedding tears was a weakness, and that feelings only got in the way and were irrelevant. She was beginning to realize that it was true;  _it hurt so damn bad, to the point that feeling numb was better than this._  "It's so _stupid,_ I _know,_ but I _just can't help it_. It's just so frustrating... "

"And so you started cutting yourself to pull away from that?"

"Yeah, but it's not just that... I don't know... Cutting myself is all I can think to do sometimes..." she said. She couldn't help but wonder why she was finding it so easy to talk about it. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Uryu really seemed to know what she was talking about.

"So it's more on impulse rather than actually thinking about it...?"

"...Sort of, but only sometimes. I don't really know how to explain it."

"It's fine. You tried to answer to the best of your ability. If I may ask... can I bandage your arms properly?" Uryu asked, looking at her with an almost desperate look in his eyes, hoping she would agree to it. Rukia couldn't sense any judgement or malicious intent behind his eyes, so she nodded. She wouldn't have agreed to it at all if somebody else was nearby. Thankfully, everybody except for them seemed to have lost the park at this point. Though, she couldn't exactly tell if that made her comfortable or not, since now she was alone with the only person that knew about her habit. It was a little awkward, but she tried her best to not let that be known. She was sure Uryu felt similarly awkward.

"Do you have bandages with you?"

"Yes. Fortunately, I brought some bandage wrap and other first aid supplies with me for such an occasion." He said, pushing up his glasses, before reaching down and picking up a bag that was sitting at his foot.

 _He was planning this from the start_ , Rukia realized, unable to stop herself from feeling a little amused. It was just like him to bring a whole first aid kit to the park with him out of concern for a friend. But were they really friends...? They didn't really know each other that well and had only talked on a couple of occasions.

"Can you hold out your arm?" Uryu asked. Rukia's panic set in again.

"Wait... you don't have to..." Rukia mumbled, shakily holding out her arms before pulling them back, losing her resolve, her breathing picking up again, what would he think of the cuts? Would he change his resolve and decide that he was disgusted by her. "I don't really feel comfortable with showing them to somebody else... Sorry."

"Kuchiki-san, why are you apologizing? It's okay. I'd prefer not to force you to do anything you're not comfortable with,... but your cuts could get infected or irritated if you don't get them tended to properly soon."

"..." Rukia said nothing.

"I don't want to come off as insensitive by asking this, but do you think you'd feel more comfortable if Urahara-san were to bandage them up instead of me?" Uryu suddenly proposed, taking Rukia by surprise.

Rukia honestly didn't know what to think. Urahara was one of the few that she felt she would be able to handle the reaction of.

"...I-" She started to speak when there was a sudden scream nearby, cursing herself when she realized that she had left her pager at Ichigo's house.

"Ugh! Get away from me! What the hell? Why do these damn monsters keep coming after me." They turned in the direction of the voice to notice a boy with straight short dyed white hair along with a small section of longer black hair on the left side of his head. He was currently being chased by a relatively large hollow.

Getting up, they both rushed over without a second thought.

"Move over, kid!" Rukia shouted, before holding up her hands, facing the approaching hollow.

" _You smell... so good..._ " It growled out, turning away from the boy in an instant. "I think I'll enjoy eating all of you!"

"Ye _lord! Mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Inferno and pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south!_ Way of destruction thirty one, shot of red fire!"

A ball of red flames shot from Rukia's hands, firing at the hollow. Unfortunately, she didn't get the greatest hit on it, due to how fast it was moving, as well as a sudden dizzy spell from her part. Even though she did land a hit on the hollow, the hollow managed to hit her at the same time she hit him. She was thrown back, skidding across the ground and scraping her leg, as she used to her hand to finally bring herself to a stop.

Uryu then ran over, by her side. "Kuchiki-san, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I... think so." Rukia answered, trying to ignore the dizziness she was feeling, as she reached up a hand to clutch her head. Truthfully she was feeling weaker than ever.

The boy's eyes had widened at the spectacle, before the hollow then started to advance towards Rukia. Without thinking, he ran over, jumping up and high-kicking it to divert it's attention. Surprisingly, he seemed to land quite the blow, knocking it a few feet back.

"Get out of here! You can't fight that thing!" Rukia shouted at him. If this had been her normally, she would have left her gikongai, but, at the moment, she wasn't able to think straight at all because of a mix of fatigue and dizziness, not to mention light-headedness. She probably would have been killed even if she had tried to fight, though.

"Oh, yeah, and like you're doing any better?" The boy, which(not that they would know it) was actually named Kenta, glared with a smirk. "From what I can see, you're even more helpless than I am. Besides, I'm a black belt in Taekwondo. I'll be fine."

 _Great_ , another kid with personality and pride issues.

The hollow then turned to attack Kenta, who easily managed to dodge it.

Uryu would have fought if he could have, if only he had had his powers. If he had, he would have been able to take it out easily.

That's when Ichigo showed up, slashing it with his sword. Still, just as with Rukia, it was too fast to get a good hit, so it only did enough damage to cause it to have to retreat.

"Damn it..." Ichigo muttered, before turning back to see Rukia weakened. "Are you guys okay?"

As he said that, Kenta suddenly collapsed, though Ichigo managed to catch him before he fell to the ground.

"Are you hurt? Hey..." He trailed off, when he realized that he had passed out, suddenly noticing bruises covering his neck.

 _"So much for being fine..."_  Uryu thought bitterly.

"...That hollow will probably be back...," he told them. "so we should get him somewhere safe. And Rukia, you too. You're in no condition to be fighting."

_~End of Chapter._


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, Kurosaki-kun, Kuchiki-san, Ishida-san, what can I do for you today, hm? Perhaps I could interest one of you in-" Urahara was surprised to see all three of them, until Ichigo came into full view and he noticed the body of a boy in Ichigo's arms which was now shoved into his by Ichigo.

"Cut the crap,  _Urahara-san_ , and just make sure that boy's okay. He..." Rukia suddenly trailed off into a momentary silence, catching the attention of pretty much everybody in the room as yet another dizzy spell passed over her that day. Though she was suddenly sure she might fall or pass out at some point soon, she forced herself to finish the sentence her sentence. "...passed out right after we fought a hollow that had been chasing him..."

Right after, pretty much all of her remaining strength was sapped in an instant, and she couldn't stand up any longer, but, right as she let herself fall to her knees, Ichigo kneeled beside her. "Rukia, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing... I just need a moment to rest."

"...You've been acting weird all day, the past few weeks in fact, likely more than that, though I was probably just too dumb to notice it at first... But now... I haven't been able to keep my mind of it. What's wrong, Rukia? You know that you can tell me if something's wrong, right? We're friends, aren't we?" Ichigo asked. He was extremely stressed and felt frustrated for not being able to understand what was going on with her; frustrated because Rukia didn't seem to want to let him in, even though whatever it was was clearly damaging her health.

Rukia opened her mouth, about to say something, but stopped when Uryu surprisingly spoke up instead.

"Kurosaki, that's enough." He muttered, averting his gaze.

"No, it's not. I just want to know what's going on that nobody wants me to know about... Ishida, why did you want Rukia to meet up with you earlier? Is there something you two are keeping from me? Something you don't want me to know because you think I'm some little kid who can't deal with it? I don't know about  _you_ , but when it pertains to my friends or family, I tend to get rather irritated when nobody lets me in on why they are suffering and what's going on with them, especially when it's obviously making them  _sick_." Ichigo had stood up again and was approaching Uryu.

"Stop it, Ichigo...!" Rukia shouted out weakly. Ichigo started to hesitate when he heard her, but his irritation picked right back up when Uryu added in his two cents. (((that's how it's said, right?)))

"I suggest you to back up, Kurosaki." Uryu said simply, undeterred.

"Or _what_? Last I checked, you didn't even have your Quincy powers anymore." Ichigo growled out, grabbing Uryu's collar.

"Kurosaki-kun, keep it down and stop trying to provoke Ishida-kun." Kisuke suddenly told him. Apparently, he had lied the boy down in another room.

"Me? But  _he's_  the one who won't-"

" _Kurosaki-kun,_ " Urahara then repeated Ichigo's name with a rare sternness that silenced him immediately. "I understand that you're upset, but stressing out is not going to help Rukia's condition and you know that."

"...Yeah, you're right. Sorry about that, Ishida..." Ichigo muttered, surprising Uryu with his apology. "It must be something pretty serious if she doesn't want anybody to know. I guess I kind of forgot that you  _are_  the son of a doctor, after all, just like I am, so you probably only did what you thought was best for her, right?" Ichigo then looked up at him with a small, and pained smile.

"Yeah, it is..." Uryu gave a small nod in response, before averting his gaze, as Urahara stooped down in front of Rukia.

"I see. In that case, I'll wait as long as it takes, and if you both decide you still don't want me to know about it, I'll accept it, okay? As long as she's safe, that's all that matters to me..."

Uryu didn't respond. Should he tell Ichigo, after all? Ichigo was also the son of a doctor, so maybe he could handle it better than Uryu was giving him credit for...?

"Kuchiki-san, what's wrong?" Kisuke asked.

"...I'm a little fatigued and dizzy is all. I just need to rest a bit and I'll be fine. Don't worry."

Suddenly, Ichigo's shinigami badge and the pager both suddenly started sounding, causing him to jump, startled, but then he ran out of the shop, shouting out, "I'll be back!"

Urahara and Ishida figured Ichigo could handle himself, so they didn't say anything about it.

That's when Uryu realized this was the perfect time to tell somebody, and he needed to get it out before Ichigo got back. So he walked over, as Urahra was about to ask another question. Uryu kneeled down next to the other, reaching out slowly and gently placing a hand on Rukia's right arm, causing her to flinch. "Kuchiki-san, before Kurosaki gets back, somebody needs to know what's going on, and...what you've been doing to yourself. I'll tell him if you don't want to..." Ishida pushed up his glasses. He was obviously a little nervous and didn't want to betray Rukia's trust, but knew he had no real choice and thus refused to regret his decision, which surely might even save her life.

Urahara didn't say anything, not entirely sure what was going on, though he had some unspoken suspicions considering their body language and the symptoms Rukia appeared to be suffering from as well as other factors, considering the past few times he had seen her recently too, but he figured she would decide to say something soon. Rukia, after all, wasn't the type of person to let others fight her battles for her if she could help it.

Rukia looked away, but then, sure enough, after a few seconds of silence, she spoke, even though her uncertainty was painfully clear on her face. "No,... I'll tell him..."

_~Chapter end_

* * *

_**A/N: I hope it was okay. Please review if you will.** _


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